This Is Not Maths - According To My Definition!

English translation of a one-act play in Marathi that originally appeared in the Maharashtra Times. The play is based on real-life personalities known to the author.

[Place: A spacious chamber in the Vice-Chancellor’s Office in a university in Maharashtra, India. 

Actors:  The Vice-Chancellor, the Head of the Mathematics Department, two outside experts, and the Chancellor’s nominee are seated on one side of a long table. On the other side, a chair is kept for the candidate to be interviewed. Several candidates called for the interview are waiting outside the chamber.]

(Sketch generated by Google’s Generative AI)

Vice-Chancellor (V.C.): Gentlemen! We are meeting here today to fill four posts sanctioned by the U.G.C. for Mathematics. Before we call the candidates, does anyone here want to say something? 

The Head of the Mathematics Department (H.M.D.): Yes, Sir! I do want to say something. (Lighting his pipe -) Mathematics was in a terrible state here before I joined. It is because I could not tolerate the injustice being done to maths that I decided to come here. After joining, I applied to the U.G.C. for special grants, and I am glad to say that the U.G.C. showed the good sense to accept my requests. That is how we are meeting here to fill up these four posts. While choosing the suitable persons, we have to remember this background and try to atone for the bad treatment given to maths in the past. We have to establish true mathematics in this university. 

V.C.: Quite correct. We must revive the tradition of good mathematicians in Maharashtra. We must produce more of Wrangler Paranjpye, Wrangler Mahajani type students…

H.M.D. (interrupting):  Excuse me, Mr Vice-Chancellor! You misunderstand me! While I respect these wranglers of the past, let me clarify that they were no mathematicians. They were taught at Cambridge. How can they have learned maths in a place that never had contact with true mathematics? 

First Expert:  What are you saying? I can rattle off several famous Cambridge mathematicians of those days: Hardy, Eddington, Larmour, Forsyth, … 

H.M.D.: According to my definition, what those people did cannot be called maths. 

Second Expert:  Really! May we know what is your definition of mathematics? 

H.M.D.:  True mathematics is abstract and is not applicable. 

First Expert:  Then, according to you, those applications of mathematics to dynamics, electrodynamics theory, relativity, etc., do not come under mathematics? 

H.M.D.:  Quite! And if an abstract piece of mathematics finds applications, it falls from the high pedestal it once deserved. For such so-called maths, there will be no place in my department. 

Second Expert:  You are going too far there. In all universities of India, applied mathematics is taught in the department of mathematics. Even in England…

H.M.D. (interrupts):  Look, when we were the slaves of the British, we had to copy their foolishness. Now that we are independent, we do not have to continue to do that! At last, I am not going to join this foolishness all around. In order to safeguard the interests of maths, I may have to – if necessary – take unilateral and unpleasant decisions. 

V.C.:  I think we will stop this discussion now and call in the candidates one by one. 

(Rings a bell and calls a peon to tell him to get the first candidate. The first candidate enters and takes the chair indicated by the V.C.) 

V.C.:  Your name – Isaac Newton. (The candidate nods.) You were formerly a professor at Cambridge. 

Newton: Yes Sir! I had the Lucasian Chair at Cambridge. Later, I was the Master of the Mint. (The V.C. looks at H.M.D.) 

H.M.D.:  Then why did you apply for this post? 

Newton:  I was tired of being a Government Servant. I wanted to come back to mathematics. 

H.M.D.:  Which branch of maths do you like to work here in? 

Newton:  You probably recall that I had invented a particular law of gravitation…

H.M.D. (interrupts):  Sorry! I don’t remember unimportant details. 

First Expert:  What! Do you not know Newton’s law of gravitation? Every schoolboy knows that…

H.M.D.:  I have long since forgotten whatever science I had to learn at school or in college. 

V.C.:  However! Mr Newton, if selected, what would you like to do here? 

Newton:  I gather that after me, Einstein invented another law of gravitation, which is considered better than mine. Now I have some new ideas which, I am sure, would find interesting applications in astronomy and astrophysics. 

H.M.D.:  But you have also worked in pure mathematics. Don’t you feel there is scope for research there? As you might know, I have done some research myself on a problem which interested you. 

Newton:  Whatever research I did was to find the answers to Nature’s riddles. In purely abstract aspects, per se’, I am not terribly interested. 

(H.M.D. buries his head in a file in disgust.)

First Expert:  But if these posts are for abstract maths only? 

Newton:  Then I regret that I would not be interested. 

V.C.:  Which subjects do you fancy? 

Newton:  Apart from gravitation, I think particle physics would interest me. I think there are several mathematical applications to interest…

H.M.D.:  Excuse me! But I don’t regard them as maths. They are all physics. They do not fit into my definition of maths. I regret that you will not be able to do anything of interest in my department. 

(Newton bows and leaves. The second candidate enters.)

V.C.:  Your name? 

Candidate:  Karl Friedrich Gauss. 

V.C.: Why did you apply for this post? 

Gauss:  I want to do research in mathematics. 

H.M.D.:  In which area? 

Gauss:  I would like to work in number theory, electromagnetic theory, and astronomy. 

H.M.D.:  Mr Gauss! Electromagnetic theory and astronomy do not fall under ‘mathematics’. 

Gauss:  How can that be? These are admittedly branches of science, but they have posed interesting and challenging problems for mathematicians to solve. Surely, these problems fall under ‘mathematics’. 

H.M.D.:  Any abstract branch of mathematics, once it finds applications, becomes impure. It is no longer maths. Mr Gauss, with all due respect to you, and I am aware that you are called the Prince among the mathematicians, may I say that what you considered mathematics is no longer regarded as maths these days? 

First Expert:  Sir, may I remind you that Gauss has made important contributions to number theory, which is regarded as the queen of mathematics? 

H.M.D.: Maybe! But I consider number theory a backward and out-of-fashion subject. 

Second Expert:  May I draw your attention to the fact that a Fields medal was given recently for work in number theory and that too not to some old fogy but a young mathematician Baker Who hails from Cambridge, which you were denigrating not so long ago? Mr Vice-Chancellor, for your information, the Fields Award is a very distinguished award in mathematics – of the status of a Nobel Prize. 

(H.M.D. silently puffs at his pipe.)

First Expert (Whispers into the ear of the Second Expert):  Whenever he is stumped in an argument, he simply puffs at his pipe. You have certainly scored a point here! 

V.C.:  Very well, Mr Gauss! You may go now. 

(Gauss leaves. Hilbert enters.)

V.C.:  Dr Hilbert, what has been your special contribution to mathematics? Please excuse this question, as it comes from a layman unfamiliar with mathematics. 

Hilbert:  It is said that I founded the formal school of mathematics. 

V.C. (in the ear of H.M.D.):  Hope you have no objection to this candidate! 

H.M.D. (whispering):  On the contrary, this man has done the greatest harm to mathematics. 

First Expert:  Do you think your formal school has now got worldwide recognition? 

Hilbert:  I wouldn’t say that. But I can certainly say that most flourishing centres of maths have adopted this system. 

H.M.D.:  Your system is O.K., but these French mathematicians are misusing it, and these people from Harvard and Princeton follow in their footsteps. And our Indian mathematicians, those at T.I.F.R., are the satellites of Harvard and Princeton. 

Second Expert:  It seems you have some different system of your own. 

H.M.D.:  Yes, and I am planning to introduce it here. 

V.C.:  Dr Hilbert, am I right in supposing that you agree with our Head of Department’s view that mathematics is basically an abstract subject? 

Hilbert:  Of course! Mathematics is not a science; it is an art. 

V.C.:  In that case, do you subscribe to the view that mathematics should remain aloof from science? 

Hilbert:  Never! Just as other art forms like painting, music, etc., are enriched by the human experience of life and the surrounding world, so is abstract mathematics enriched by inputs from science, which tries to solve problems posed by Nature. Just as science cannot progress without mathematics, so would mathematics become sterile if it loses contact with science. I myself have always kept abreast of the latest developments in science. Many of my young colleagues are scientists who tell me about whatever interesting things are going on in their fields. I have always benefitted from this input from science. 

(H.M.D. puffs out a thick cloud of smoke. The V.C. motions to Hilbert to leave. The next candidate enters.)

V.C.:  May I know your name and address, please? 

Candidate:  Albert Einstein, Institute for Advanced Study. 

(Before the V.C. says anything, H.M.D. raises his head from the files and speaks out – )

H.M.D.:  You seem to have lost your way! These interviews are for the post of a mathematician, and you happen to be a physicist. What have you done for mathematics? 

Einstein:  For my general relativity, I used non-Euclidean geometry. Based on my theory, many interesting results have been obtained in differential geometry by some leading mathematicians. 

H.M.D.:  I regret that I do not share their enthusiasm. I never felt it worthwhile to waste my time on differential geometry. 

V.C.:  But isn’t it a branch of mathematics?

H.M.D.:  So what? Not all branches are equally important. 

First Expert:  That means even leaving aside applied mathematics, you intend to give a step-motherly treatment to some branches of pure maths also? 

H.M.D.:  It can’t be helped. In a department like this, the Head’s preferences must necessarily be respected. 

Einstein:  I beg your pardon, Sir! I was under the impression that, although a physicist, I was at least remotely connected with mathematics. You have disillusioned me. I withdraw my application. 

(Departs with a bow.)

V.C. (looking at his list):  Now we have two candidates left – Hardy and Littlewood, both from Cambridge. 

H.M.D.:  Although my views about Cambridge mathematics are well known, how and why were these two called for the interviews? 

V.C.:  Our Experts recommended that these two deserved to be called for an interview. 

H.M.D.:  I do not wish to comment on our Experts’ judgment. But these two gentlemen are here with us only for one day. Do I have to accept their choice and accept as colleagues forever people whom I don’t want? 

Chancellor’s Nominee: I have been watching the proceedings silently so far. But I cannot remain quiet anymore. What is going on? If we have invited outside Experts, we must take their views into account. 

Both Experts:  We did recommend that these two candidates be called for an interview. They are leaders in their field. It would be wrong not to interview them just because they are from Cambridge. 

H.M.D.:  Let me speak plainly. It is bureaucrats like you that have spoiled the university life. It was to improve the present state of affairs in mathematics that I have come all the way from America…

First Expert:  But you still have one foot over there! 

H.M.D. (Ignoring the remark, continues):  And, if you do not respect my views, I will go back. But before going, I will call a press conference and disclose all the corruption that you people are propagating. 

V.C.: Enough of this farce! Let us, for the time being, go along with the views of the Head of the Department. 

Both the Experts and the Chancellor’s Nominee:  We protest! 

V.C.:  Gentlemen! Please bear with me. What can I do with such pressures being put on me? You know the Vice-Chancellorship is no bed of roses! …At least can we arrive at some decision regarding the candidates we have interviewed today? 

Both Experts (together):  All of them are suitable. They have all played vital roles in the development of mathematics. That such distinguished people should have applied for these posts is a matter of honour to the university. 

(The V.C. looks towards H.M.D.)

H.M.D.:  Granted that these are all distinguished people. But I cannot call them mathematicians. By my definition, whatever they are interested in cannot be called maths. Mr Vice-Chancellor, my recommendation, which is to be considered final, is that the posts should be re-advertised. 

(The V.C. looks on helplessly and is about to call in the Registrar to announce this decision when a person rushes in, followed by the peon.) 

Peon:  Sir, I was holding him back, but he came in by force. 

Newcomer:  Mr Vice-Chancellor, Sir! I have come for the interview. My watch stopped, and so I could not arrive here on time. 

V.C.:  Today’s interviews are just over, and we cannot reopen them. The posts will be re-advertised. 

H.M.D.:  But since we have not selected anyone, why not interview this person? After all, he is an Indian, and we should give him some concession! 

V.C. (with a sigh):  We have broken so many rules; one more makes no difference. Let us get on with it. Your name, please? And qualifications? 

Newcomer:  I will tell you soon, Sir! But please note that I was doing research in mathematics centuries before all these foreigners whom you have interviewed today. In those days, mathematics was in a primitive stage, and the climate was not conducive to research. 

H.M.D.:  What was the subject of your research? What would you like to work on now? 

Newcomer:  I have written four treaties: on arithmetic, algebra, and geometry, as well as on astronomy. I am especially interested in astronomy. 

H.M.D. (explodes): Astronomy! Don’t you know that there is no scope for astronomy in my department? Please talk only about mathematics. 

Newcomer:  But I have used mathematics in astronomy. Indeed, I am proud of it. This work has received widespread recognition. 

H.M.D.:  That does not interest me in the least. Well, you may go! 

Newcomer (Sadly):  Before I go, may I say something? In Poona, a mathematician of international repute has set up a mathematical institute in my name. It is ironical that you, in your department, consider me unsuitable as a mathematician. 

H.M.D.:  May I know your name? 

Newcomer: Bhaskaracharya. 

(As the curtain drops, the whole assembly is smothered in a cloud of smoke ensuing from the pipe of the Head of the Department.)